Any day of the week we all ask ourselves the same questions... do I look fat in this outfit, is my hair ok, can I afford that pair of heels, where in the h-e-double hockey sticks are my keys, did I have kids to torture myself, is my cat/dog on crack, why did I do that?????????? Well, in the true spirit of being southern I invite you to get a load of the misadventures that may or may not happen to you, but you will be able to relate to! Myself and my bff if you would, my Schmoopie, have had the most amazing incidents happen purely by accident and are going to sacrifice our pride to bring a good laugh or make you understand that if you are in fact a klutz, you are not alone. All those bad days you've had and all those moments you thought to yourself "this would never happen to anyone else but me", guess what... it's happened to us too!!! So, visit us at thescreamingpig.blogspot.com and have a chuckle on us, we have one on ourselves! Laughter after all is the best medicine!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Low Road Jigging

I was raised in Germany by a wonderful extended family that harped on being morally and ethically correct at all times. During times of conflict or when someone was just being plain nasty, I was reminded to be the “bigger person” and to “take the high road”, which I always did, and it always resulted in me feeling not quite fulfilled. There was always something lacking by taking the high road. A feeling of missed opportunity to make it known how you were really feeling about said person or situation. There was no thrill in taking the high road, being the bigger person or attracting more bees with honey.

 It just so happened that thousands of miles away in Tennessee, there was another Jennifer being raised in a similar manor. Her morally inclined mother, with a hint of southern charm, made it known to her to never be ugly to anyone, no matter what.

Fast forward twenty-five years or so, where Jennifer and I meet. Its love at first sight. She has the hair I have always dreamed of, and I have the height she so desires. I get her olives from pizzas and salads and such, since she can’t stomach them, and in turn, she is privy to and endless supply of fungus (or some of you might call “mushrooms”). She completes me. She had me at “Hi Ya’ll”. Together we are one fully functional person. Our one true passion in life- Carbs- of all sorts. Delicious bagels, breads, pastries, biscuits….you get the idea. (This random mention of our shared passion becomes relevant further down the line.)

On an average day in the midst of my late twenties, I once again was presented with the cross road of taking the high road or as I like to call, the “Low Road”, as an individual provoked me on a social networking site and was being belligerent about someone I really cared about. I had had enough of the high road so to speak, and for once, I wanted to frolic about on the low road, in fact…I was going to do it, I was going to plain JIG on that low road. Low road jigging, a fanciful dance that is done right as you know you’re about to do the wrong thing. Ethically you know better, way better. And you weigh the consequences to make sure it will be worth it. My schmoop and I don’t low road jig often, and when we do it has to be merited, and we are well prepared for the consequences…..as our karma is almost instant.

As I low road jigged into my festival of retaliation back on that very same social networking site, I felt instantly relived. My schmoop of course, assisted in the poking, prodding and making a mockery out of that person, who had purposely sought me out to provoke me and or to get the attention of the person they were speaking ill of. I felt elated and did a proper jig on that low road- arms extended and fingers pointed as I did what is similar to the twist with bizarrely added marching bit at the end. I do believe the individual it was aimed at got my point!!!!!!

Later that day, schmoop and I picked up a pack of our favorite bagels so that we could enjoy a wonderful breakfast at the office for the week- Everything Einstein Bagels from Costco. We were excited about our impending carb binge for the next morning. We arrive the next morning ready to partake in our carbathon, only to realize……that the bagels we had just gotten……WERE MOLDLY, as our joint slow motion “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” escaped our lips… we knew what had just happened. It was the revenge of the low road karma, because we knew better and did anyways. We looked at each other with a look of defeat, and knew we had just been punished in a way that only the universe would. Horrible and cruel, it took our beloved bagels from us that day as we uttered “dam nit LOW ROAD!!!!!!!”

Nowadays we do try to prepare for such an occasion. We assess the situation wisely, making sure it will be worth every consequence before we dare Low Road Jig. Sometimes we put the bagels in the freezer, they can’t mold there…(can they?) but we know our karma will find us where ever we go and no matter where our bagels are. Whenever we get the urge to low road jig, we just give each other that glance and nod with that devilish look on our face….Hide the bagels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. Is that pig wearing your jewelry? He looks good and this was fun!

  2. Every time I read this I laugh more! I can actually see you having a nervous breakdown because of the moldy bagels. LOL I love you!

  3. loved reading this post!! your writing is witty and flows so well Jen!